Please don’t judge my journey through grief.

Photo by angie Corbett-Kuiper

The way in which you perceive the other is determined by your own thought-forms.

                        -Eckhart Tolle

This quote reminds me of my recent lecture series. As an introduction, I showed this photograph to my audiences and asked them to share what they saw in the cloud formation.

Answers ranged from a ballerina, love, a woman flying, a woman dancing, an angel, a heart, peace, and yes…even a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Can you see him racing off the page heading right out of the photo? His mouth agape, his big eye, and his tiny arms flailing in true T-Rex style?

When I took this photograph of the clouds, I saw a woman floating gracefully. She was facing left, her chest forward, shoulders and arms back, prominent nose pointed upwards to the heavens, wearing a ballerina tutu, and her graceful legs following behind her as she flew across the blue sky. Can you see her?

When the members of my audience began sharing what they saw, we were able to recognize their perspective, their point of view from their vantage point. We each appreciated one another’s different views, their creative imaginations at work. What I wished to convey to my audience is that we cannot possibly judge one another's journey, no matter how different it is from our own, because we are each living our lives based on our unique perspective, experiences and beliefs—or as Eckhart so eloquently quotes, based on our own thought-forms.

How many of us would try to force others to see the image we perceive? Some will defend that the image they see is the right one and all other perceived images are wrong—instead of simply appreciating the differences that make us and our points of view unique. Is it possible to love one another and accept our uniqueness, even if their lives differ grossly from our own?

How often do we look at someone else's life and easily point out their blind spots? We make sure to let them know what they are doing wrong, and how they should or should not be living their lives. We judge them and treat them according to our own beliefs, experiences, and thought-forms—whether their life and their choices coincide with our perceptions or not. We tell them we will pray for them. And we do not do so necessarily out of unconditional love for them, but because we want to change them so they will fit nicely folded into the neat box we’ve created for them—and our lives can regain a semblance of normalcy.

In death, it seems especially prevalent that when we grieve some want to judge our journey, right? We don’t grieve long enough. We don't get over our loss quick enough. We don't cry enough. We don't move forward in their timeframe. If not careful, we turn inwards, we shrink, and when we look in the mirror we think there is something wrong with us because the way we are living and navigating loss is somehow wrong when compared to someone else.

All of those who try and sequester us back into a norm they feel comfortable with probably have never experienced significant loss. Although most are well-intentioned and are only trying to move us forward, back to our old selves, they will most likely never realize we will never be the same again. We continue to listen to them. But they are judging us based upon their own opinions, beliefs, upbringings, and thought-forms. And we believe them because we’ve never learned to trust ourselves. We have never formed our own thought-forms and are, instead, a cumulation of what everyone in our lives has told us we are.

It is so imperative that we get good with ourselves—or when we do navigate loss, which is a normal and transitionary part of life’s journey, we will walk around not only with the pain of grief riding on our shoulders but also feeling judged, ridiculed, sad, and disappointed that we are somehow doing grief the wrong way. Let me tell you right now my beautiful readers: "THERE IS NO RIGHT OR WRONG WAY TO GRIEVE!" There is only your way to grieve. And the way in which you choose to grieve is alright. It’s better than alright because it is yours and only yours.

Today, cry as long as you desire, scream as loud as you want, throw a tantrum, mourn, yell, wail, be still, be silent, don't say a word, just BE! Just be who and what you feel like being. Ultimately, it is your life, it is your loss, and it is your grief. When we allow others to judge our journey, or we follow their expectations and beliefs, we give our power away. If we are somehow convinced that what they say is the truth and they know better than us what is best and how we must navigate through loss, we are living in someone else's box, we are living someone else's belief system and perceptions, and we take it on as if it is our own. Most have our highest and best interests at heart, and they do not intentionally wish to hurt us. They don’t know the irreparable harm caused when they treat us as if they know what is best for us. Alert! Alert! Alert! We know best what we want and need, who we are, even if forgotten for a brief moment in time. 

When we have lost someone why do we worry about what others think of us? Why do we care? Because, as social creatures, we all desire to be loved and accepted. And as I found, it was so imperative for me to feel I was part of something when a piece of me had been ripped away. But to what extent? How much do we give? How often do we allow others to trespass in the sanctuary of our own oneness? Our individual uniqueness?

Today, through your grief, is it possible to create your own beliefs from your experience and not fall prey to someone else's thought-forms? Is it possible to create your own image of how you wish to live, and ultimately grieve, and try not to allow others to create your experience? You can create it. Yes, even in grief. In fact…because of grief. 

Dare to dream, to dream big, to see things differently, and to be proud of the differences that make us unique and beautiful in our own rite. Find the joy and peace and newfound freedom that will separate you from everyone else and not have you tied up in the expectations, beliefs, and perceptions of others.

Just for today, can you find your own image in the clouds and be happy and satisfied that it is your find, that it is your image? And that you imagined it all by yourself without the nudge of someone else’s thought-form?

Close your eyes, squeeze them tight. Now open them up. What do YOU see in the cloud formation?